Sunday, July 15, 2018

Breaking Down The Barriers

It has been nearly three years since my best friend has departed from my life.   No one made me laugh the way you had.  All of late dance nights ,the laughter and sometimes the tears.  Time does mend the aching heart, but it does not erase the emptiness I still feel within. 

This emptiness has created an unpleasant barrier in my life.  I am a prodigy of positive energy, however as I study some people and their behaviors it deflates my faith in humanity and for that I tend to keep my distance from people all together.   This barrier is even creating more emptiness and one that I must overcome, but how?  How do I overcome this when my greatest friend is gone?  

This was a friend like no other.  A contagious personality and a flair for life where absolutely every soul was on the same playing field regardless of the status of their bank account or their looks . Because we all know that a gorgeous face doesn’t always represent a gorgeous soul.  And over the years I have crossed paths with many wolves in sheepskin so that would explain my distance.  No matter what difficult circumstance I faced my friend brought a smile to my face.  When I was with her the world did not matter because with her in my life the world was a much better place.

She was in my life for forty six years.  We had some solid and exceptional memories over that time and she kept me humble.  I have learned that life is about building memories and not things because things are nothing if you don’t have someone to share them with.   I would trade every possession I have to just to have one more memory with my friend.  From time to time I hear her in my head saying who gives a crap Jen.  She was proud of me and she always told me that and perhaps I miss that positive reinforcement in my life too.  She was intelligent with people too and she would guide me who was good and who was not so good, but she still always had a smile and I don’t give a crap attitude.  I hope one day I can adopt that attitude too, perhaps as I age I will care less who knows.

I simply do not have the patience nor the time to surround myself with pretentious two faced people regardless of whether they are nice or not.  If you talk smack about someone behind their back then chances are they are talking smack about you behind your back.  I would rather walk alone without drama then be in the company of drama.  I had lost sight of that lately and it never is the quantity of friends it is the quality.  Someone once told me I was to honest.  I wasn’t aware that honesty was a weakness I thought it was a strength.  My friend always respected my honesty because I had the courage to say things no other would. I do everything with an honest heart and with good intentions. If I talk smack I have the courage to do it to your face. And everyone is on the same playing field with me as well.  Things don't impress me people do.  Honest real people do!

Perhaps I am searching for things in others that I am missing from my friend.  I have come to realize there will be no one like her.  I cannot let my disappointment in humanity define me any longer she would never want that for me.  I have to accept that there are self-fulfilling conniving jerks out there and move on.  Just because there are many bad people I suppose there is equally as good people out there.   I also have to accept that no one will be like the friend I lost.    I miss you my dear friend. That friend was my “mom”.